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  • Amanda

Almost 40 and the need to live, by any means necessary...

I have been suicidal. At one point in my life, I was so filled with suicidal ideations that I literally felt like I was losing my mind.

I remember pleading with God asking Him to take me. If I got sick or got another hospital bill, I was immediately triggered.

Why me?

Why can’t I stay well?

Why can’t I get out of hospital debt?


Why

Why

Why


I don’t know about you but life can suck sometimes.

I don’t always wake up grateful.

Even though I know I should.


Some mornings, complaining seems to be medicine. Wallowing is comforting. Remaining in dark places seems safe.

Because when you come into the light,

All is exposed...


Your truth.

Your insufficiencies.

Your weaknesses.

Your humanness.


Out there in the open for the world to attack like vultures hungry for satisfaction.


Yeah, your girl has days like these.

And a week ago

I thought that was where I was headed...


But God had other ideas.


You see

instead of me hiding

I’ve chosen to reveal my shit

It‘s like I’m being forced to do so...


September is Suicide Prevention Month

and I could not let this month go by with y’all thinking that your girl has it all together.

Because clearly I don’t.


But what I do have now that I didn’t have before is the need to live, by any means necessary.


Yes, life is a beast.

But I am equipped for all of its beastly ways.


Yes times are tough.

But I am tougher.


Yes, I wish things were better.

But I have it better than most.


Not living isn’t an option.

At least not yet.

And when my time is up

I believe that God will let me know it.


Until then

I choose to sling these words.

I choose to share my truth.

I choose to dance my dance.

I choose to love my family.

I choose to feel everything.

I choose to leave my mark.


However and whatever that may look like

I’m not leaving until it’s done...


I salute every individual struggling forward.

Every day that you wake up

know that you are supported from afar...

You can live.

and You should...


Until next time

PEACE



A Eaddy McKeithan



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Amanda Eaddy

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