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Almost 40 and sinking...

I woke up this morning feeling overwhelmed.

But I pressed through like I always do until I couldn't anymore.


Damn...

Here we go again.

Anxiety and Depression are nightmares from the pits of hell, I tell you.


I had to sit and ask myself

"Amanda, what the hell is the problem?"

"Why are you so stressed?"

"What do you need?"


My response to those questions?

"I Don't Know"


My truth on a cracked yet clean silver platter.


I don't know what is the problem.

If I did, I would fix it.

I don't know why I am so stressed.

I would definitely fix it , if I did.

I don't know what I need.


Do you know what you need?


Do you know what I do know?


I know that I am a low key perfectionist.

I know that my daddy molded me into this independent woman who won't ask for help yet who is so willing to help others.

I know that I set myself up for failure when I put all of these expectations on me...

Ones that I feel that I have to meet before I turned 40.


I am almost 40 yall.

In 112 days I will be the age that I couldn't wait to become when I was 37.


What have I learned?

  1. 40 is just an age. Age is just a number. It dictates nothing.

  2. I am too fucking hard on myself.

  3. I can't make anyone do what they don't want to do.

  4. Being a parent is stressful

  5. I am tired.

  6. I need to set up a therapy appointment ASAP.

  7. It isn't my job to make anyone happy.

  8. I really need God.

  9. Saying no saves lives.

  10. Love, peace and some good, good sex does conquer all.

I have learned a lot more and hopefully will consistently share with you for the next 112 days what those things are.


If you are struggling, please understand that you ain't alone.

I see you, girl, and I understand that this life, in 2020, amongst a pandemic ain't no walk in the park. You are going to get bruised. You will be slighted. Your feelings are going to get hurt. You are going to get thrown under the bus. Your pockets are going to look funny. You are going to fight with your partner. You are going to desire a partner. You are going to scream, cuss, fuss.


None of that shit takes away from who you really are....


A badass human being with a badass call.


Cry.

Grieve.

But keep going.


I will if you will.


Until next time,

PEACE


A Eaddy McKeithan









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Amanda Eaddy

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