Almost 40 and Daddy Issues
The last time that I saw my daddy
he walked right past me.
He saw me but didn’t acknowledge my existence.
His first born.
His first daughter.
Because he’s a pastor.
Because he’s broken.
Because I’m gay.
Yes, his college educated, successful AF, free spirited, purpose pushin, God lovin daughter married a woman.
At first, that shit burned me up.
I was devastated.
I felt like an orphan.
Then, I realized that those attributes were not my truth.
I am not an orphan.
Family is what you make it and I have mother and father figures around me.
I am not lost.
As soon as I made a decision to embrace my sexuality, I found my true self.
I am not unloved.
My wife loves me.
My children love me.
My students love me. I have a whole tribe of individuals who love my existence.
But I do have Daddy Issues.
I wish I could call him on the phone and have him tell me everything will be ok.
I wish he would invite me to lunch and tell me how he got his success.
I wish he would just see me the way God does.
The way God does, yo!
Because I’m all of those things and more.
And it is a daily fight to remind myself that I am not lacking anything without him.
Daddy issues are real.
They can be damaging if you let them.
I think about the relationships/friendships that i effed up because I wouldn’t deal with my issues with daddy.
Now, I’m being intentional about working through them.
No more sweeping shit under the rug.
I’m too old to be pretending.
I deserve more.
If you are here with me
You do too.
Do the work.
The NEW you seek is tied to you healing and releasing what you thought you needed from your daddy and what he couldn’t give.
Let that shit go.
Until next time,
A Eaddy McKeithan