Almost 40 and Addiction
In 2004, after having a c-section and hysterectomy, I found myself addicted to Percocet. Now, these pills were prescribed by my doctor to help manage my pain. And did they ever!
I took them like clockwork. Consistently indulging, not focused on the side effects or anything.
All I knew was that they made me feel good. When I had my check up and asked my doctor for more, she kindly said “Amanda, you should be able to take regular Tylenol or Motrin now.”
No matter how hard I pleaded, she refused to write me another prescription.
I remember going though the withdrawals.
The night sweats.
The seeing things.
My body was having a fit because I was no longer giving it what it thought it needed.
That was almost 16 years ago...
As I write this
I can’t help but reflect on all of the addictions I have had since getting off Percocet.
They have all stemmed from this major addiction:
“The Need To Look, Feel and Seem Good.”
I can’t help but laugh to keep from crying..
“Why did you buy that?“
Because it made me feel good.
”Why did you stay in that relationship?”
Because it made me look good.
”Why did you go to that church and serve in all of those ministries?”
Because it made me seem good.
This desperate need to look, feel and seem good caused me to make choices that impacted my life and the lives of people I have been connected to.
Anything that you do out of desperation will eventually lead to disaster.
Our decision making can’t be based on feelings.
Feelings are fickle.
They change with the seasons.
Our choices can’t be based on what other people think about us. We must be able to live with our own reflections.
No one should have the power to dictate the life you choose to live.
And most importantly, ain’t none of us perfect.
We all have our effed up moments and days.
So trying to appear “good” is played out.
I now strive to be impactful.
Addictions aren’t as noticeable as drug, alcohol or sex though.
Some of these addictions that we have start as lies that we tell ourselves.
They are sneaky.
They are small.
They are disasters waiting to happen.
And many of us keep these addictions because we are afraid of the withdrawals.
If you’re consistently doing something that is not good for your overall wellbeing it may be an addiction.
Having an addiction doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.
It means you’re a human being.
Get people to hold you accountable.
Tell your trusted circle what you have going on. Allow them to pour into you and guide you towards non-problematic behaviors.
Give them grace to tell you the truth without you being overly offended.
Even if you’re just addicted to lying or self sabotaging behaviors.
Therapy is extremely helpful and can change your mindset.
Changing your mindset will change the trajectory of your life.
Lastly, participate in activities that push you to become one with your true self.
Activities that force you to reflect and determine the root of your issues.
These can be journaling, meditation, praying, small groups at church etc.
No matter what you do
Don’t pretend that your addictions don’t exist.
You are addicted to shopping.
You are addicted to being in other people’s business.
You are addicted to caring about the opinions of others.
You are addicted to the pain of your childhood.
You are addicted to fear.
You are addicted to procrastination.
You are addicted to putting yourself last.
You are addicted to focusing on the weight on the scale.
You are addicted to comparing your body to other women.
You are addicted to gossiping.
You are addicted to his d$ck.
You are addicted to her pu$$y.
If I didn’t already name it
best believe you are addicted to something.
Figure out what it is.
Get to the root of it. And pull that shit up.
Thriving is in your DNA.
It’s time to take your power back.
Get healthy, baby!
Them withdrawals ain’t nothing you can’t get through...
Until Next Time,
A. Eaddy McKeithan